Dear Anger,
Boy, you are EXHAUSTING. Do you have to show up and take my body on a tension-filled rollercoaster!? My jaw, fist, teeth tighten when you are here. My heart beats fast, and loud, and my eyes seem to want to spring out of their sockets. And my voice screeches like a cat in heat. Anger, you are raw. You are wild. You are untamed. And when you are near, I am at your mercy. I am at your disposal. I am your... bitch. Some choose to tuck you deep under. Choose to pretend you are not there at all. While others are completely enamored with you, and are never able to manage you. They shift into resentment - self directed anger, or even some pivot into violence, aggression and rage. When you come to see me, dear Anger, you are usually accompanied by an intense sense of focus. I stare at someone with my eyes out of their sockets, and screech with my most cat-in-heat voice. I get focused, directed, determined and oh so angry. Other times you meet me with an impressive sense of righteousness. A cause. A calling. A chance to fix a wrong. A purpose. This version of you is much more pleasant to experience. This version of you is you with a shit-load-of make-up. This is you all covered up. And when you show up naked in your birthday suit, I know that the only way to tend to you, and to calm you, is by being IN you. Feel what you ache for me to feel. Say the words you long to say. And when I'm with you, fully, deeply, simply - you are then accompanied by a dear friend: sadness. pain. hurt. They are always there with you, aren't they, Anger? You are simply theirs. Their driver. Their guide. Their twin flame. You are simply a vessel to pain. I peel you and see IT. You are pain's protector. You are MY pain's protector. Thank you, my dear pain protector. Roam free and release yourself from your own chains... ~Your vessel.
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Do butterflies know how beautiful they are?
When they flaunt their colors up in the air When they dance, float, fly Do they know - How us mere humans see them? How envious we are of their freedom? How curious we are of their lightness? Nothing weighs on those fairies It seems Nothing sticks And hurts And troubles Their little fragile hearts. To be a human is to wonder What it is like to be a butterfly. *** Disruption
(noun) *Disturbance or problems which interrupt an event, activity, or process. *Radical change to an existing industry or market due to technological innovation. I have encounters with 'disruption' numerous times throughout the day. My life style in a way is a constant meet up with disruptions. Whether I am writing and procrastination attacks me (like a disruptor...), or whether I get a same day audition that disrupts my day and takes me on a spin, I need resilience and flexibility to deal with disruptions and not let them.... disrupt me. ~Do you sometimes think of death?
~Sure. Everybody does. ~Yeah? Like what. What do you think of? ~The final chapter. The end. The farewell. The last stop. Death. What is it like to not exist. Must be like nothing. Nothing at all. I guess we'll never know... ~Until we die. You mean. ~Or even when we die - we will not know. Knowing anything is controlling something. Not existing means not controlling, so I think in our death at the very least we know that there would be no control. ~That's fair. ... ~And life. Do you sometimes think of life? ~All the time. All the time. ~And? ~And what's true to death is true to life: the quicker we release our need to control - the quicker we'll feel more freedom that we ever imagined. ~Huh. Well, to life then! ~To life! And 'Till death! ~To life and 'till death! *** I've been sucked into what the rest of my social media world had been sucked into lately:
The Johny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial. Sure, there's far more important news to follow. Like Roe vs. Wade soon to be revoked because the U.S wants to travel backwards in time and control women. Or the war in Ukraine that has now become a normal kind of tragic. Or the shootings in Buffalo, and just twenty miles from me in downtown LA. Yes, those are all far more important.... But.... something in the tragic train wreck of the Depp/Heard case sucked me right in. Could it be the real life villain that Amber Heard is? Everybody loves a good villain. And she plays the part well: She lies (under oath I might add), manipulates and gaslights (so we hear in those countless recordings), and defends herself as if she truly believes in her own innocence. Because she absolutely does. A villain doesn't think they are the villain. Most of us perceive ourselves to be heroes and many of us would justify our actions to a fault. And Amber Heard is not the exception. But it can't be just that.... The way this trial has sucked in millions around the world... is it simply because seeing such a toxic relationship make us feel better about our lives? Especially because two very rich & famous people are the ones experiencing it? Is what's going on here simply a gossipy "Stars, they're just like us" comic relief to our miserable lives?!? Or perhaps... there's something more interesting here. A look into human behavior. A study of a tragic and faulty personality disorder. A window towards the notion that 'The trauma of your childhood becomes the drama of your marriage.' Maybe it's not just about Heard being an antihero (To those of you who view her as a domestic violence survivor after seeing this trial - you must have never encountered an abusive narcissist before - lucky you!) or Depp being an alcohol and substance addict who married the wrong woman. Or maybe it's not so black and white and truth is somewhere in the middle. (except in this case it's likely NOT that) or maybe it's an escape from the last two years into an ex lovers brawl that really has nothing to do with anyone else. Or maybe it's some twisted entertainment. Or maybe - it's all these things. I welcome it all. *Reminder: As always with my blog, all the opinions/thoughts shared here are my own! COURAGE
(noun) *The ability to do something that frightens one. I seek courage. These days and really - every day. The courage to show up. To be at my best self. To not compromise on my values. On my morals. On my stance. To have equal empathy and equal boundaries. To be in community AND in self. The courage to show up is the willingness to be as I am. Nothing more. Nothing less. To be courageous despite all the reasons not to be, which can all be summed down to fear, fear and fear. The courage to laugh despite the pain. To courage to look up when it's so much easier to look down. The courage to be ambitious. The courage to be driven. The courage to be vulnerable. The courage to LOVE. The courage to LOVE. The courage to LOVE. 'The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With One Step.'
~Lao Tzu I write about persistence a lot. I write about staying with it. I write about facing rejections and hardships and turmoils. I write about enjoying the journey, the path, the road. I write about ambition and drive and will. I write about the true meaning of success and what it means to me. I write about the artistic life style that forces one to face societal pressure, and inconsistencies, and ridicule, and poverty, and failure. I write about flow and the feeling of flying one can feel from being in their element. I write about journey. I write about MY journey. And I wouldn't have had none of it if I hadn't taken that one first step. Dear Frustration,
We don't hang out a lot - you and I. I tend to move over to lady Anger shortly after you arrive. Or straight to Miss Sadness, or Disappointment. Even Despair has greeted me after your visit. So yeah, our time together is often short. But it stands out: The frowning that comes along with you, the shrugging of the shoulders, the shaking of the head, the lip smack, the eye roll, the whiny voice... You bring a lot of friends with you, don't you? Do you do that to prepare me for what'd come next? So I'll feel every inch of you in my body and my voice, as if to send me an amber alert - a loud one that makes sure I read its content? You must seek attention from me real bad. You must want to be heard. Seen. Acknowledged. Well, here I am - SEEING you, and I appreciate your deliberate banging on my head. I appreciate your warning to what comes next. Because Anger, Sadness, Despair... those are all far more severe than you are. You are simply a train stop on the way to somewhere harsher for me to swallow. You are a warning sign that somewhere I have been triggered, or something has actually happened, and that I'm on a train heading somewhere now. You also remind me of the child in me: the brat. The spoiled. The selfish. The child who has yet realized that nothing is within her control. The child who thinks the world revolves around her needs. The child who doesn't know yet that she won't always get what she wants. No matter how much she'll want it. (Sorry to blow your bubble all you manifestors of the world!) You and her are a bit linked. So thank you for the warning and the reminder that the child is always there in me, waiting to burst into the air. She, too - longs to be seen. Heard. Acknowledged. Perhaps you, dear Frustration, ARE the child. Perhaps. Until we meet again... ~Your vessel. The dream state is my favorite state.
Why? Because everything is possible in the dream state. Everything changes in the dream state. Everything morphs: A frog becomes a person and then a tree and then it is me and then it vanishes. A home becomes a cafe and then an arcade and the desert and then a space ship and then a forest and then the inside of a womb. Time doesn't exist in the dream state. Time flows everywhere all at once in a dream state. Language doesn't matter in dream state. The language of dreams is its own metaphysical reality. Like poetry - the language of dreams is the language of the soul. Bodies don't exist in the dream state. The idea of bodies is there, but people are nothing but moving light and essences. Colors changing into one another. In the dream state nothing matters. Nothing IS matter. There is no matter. The dream state is a dream, that's why none of it exists. But when we wake from our dream state, if we are in tune: we have the capacity to feel a snippet of what it felt like to surrender to our imagination. The dream state is a portal into ourselves, into our sacred selves: Our imagination. Our subconscious. Our poetry in motion. A therapist's office. Martie is the patient. Dr. Johnson is the therapist.
Martie: I feel like running into a tree. Dr. Johnson: Why? Martie: Because I FEEL like it. Dr. Johnson: What does the feeling feel like? Martie: What? I don't know. Angry. I feel angry. So angry I could... Dr. Johnson: Go on. Martie: I could bash this computer with my foot. I could punch the wall. I could scream. I could scream so loud right now. Dr. Johnson: Okay. Martie: Okay, what? Dr. Johnson: Go on. Scream. Punch the wall. Bash the computer. Martie punches the wall. Martie: AAAAAAHHHHH! Dr. Johsnon: How are your knuckles? Martie: Hurting. Dr. Johnson: Okay. And what about the computer? Martie: No. Dr Johnson: No? Martie: I... need it. Dr. Johnson: You need your computer. Martie: Yeah. Dr. Johnson: Why? Martie: What? Dr. Johnson: It's not a trick question. Why do you need your computer? What do you use it for? Martie: Oh. Um. I watch football on my computer. Dr. Johnson: Yeah? What else. Martie: I... um, I do my taxes, send emails, edit my music there. Dr. Johnson: What else. Martie: I research. I write. I talk on FaceTime. I learn. Dr. Johnson: How do you feel now? Martie: I don't know. I... better. I feel better. Dr. Johnson: Yeah? Martie: I mean, I'm still angry. But now I'm also... Dr. Johnson: What? Martie: Hopeful? Maybe I'm a little hopeful. I got my computer just three months ago. It's fast and I can edit three times quicker than my last one. It's the processing. It's better. Dr. Johnson: See now? And now YOU are processing better. |
AuthorIn April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling. Categories
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Header Art: Daniel Landerman |