For years, I had a small wall piece hung on the wall a couple of inches above the floor. It had the caption 'Dogs have owners, cats have staff' on it. and it was hung so low because it was my cats' decor item. Not mine. After all - I have been their mere servant, their staff, their BITCH, just as that wall piece told it. BUT this staff member wouldn't have it any other way. Living with cats is a whole lot of wonderful - and the recent pandemic year made me grateful for my feline friends so much more. I mean, sure - I am not a fan of the litter business nor do I love when they yap and yap asking for food minutes after I already serve them, but the cuddling, the love, the feeling of another breathing aliveness next to you when no one else is... it's priceless. Connecting to animals connects us to ourselves, to our nature, to our humanity, to our mortality. And of course, having to care for someone else - is an exercise in generosity, responsibility and unconditional love.
~Seems to me that those traits are lacking in our world...~ So go adopt a dog! Or visit a farm! Or practice goat yoga! Or do some bird watching! Or swim with sharks! Or live with cats, like me.
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Real talk: One of my biggest pleasures in life is productivity. Is working towards a goal. Is crossing out the daily check list. And if you allow me to brag, I do a pretty great job at it. Some days nearly all my time is productive somehow. I use a daily, weekly, and monthly calendar to track my accomplishments or lack thereof, and go to sleep content that I've made progress towards my all-time goals, my dream of a life I'd like to have.
But then sometimes... I wake up to a day, where I don't want to produce absolutely anything. When I am spent. Burnt out. And all I want is to break every rule of my own making and make my day a day of total rest. Of escaping into a television show - a kind that I can't even learn from because it's mind numbing, and I don't even feel for because the acting is atrocious. You know the kind. It's not a soap or reality show for me, but a formulaic 'Law & Order' type of show does the trick. Thank you network television for giving me that very specific type of escapism for my day of rest! And I go to sleep exhausted from a day of binge watching and being absolutely useless. I don't even cook for myself on my day of rest. And if I manage to take off my make-up at night - that's a huge achievement in my day of rest. My day of rest doesn't happen on a Saturday or a Sunday. It also definitely doesn't happen every week (or I would like it too much and wouldn't be able to be productive ever again). No, MY day of rest happens out of the blue, unannounced, whenever my body tells me '"Just let it go, girrrrl. Don't work out today. Don't wash your hair. Don't write or work on that audition. Don't clean the house like you are supposed to. Don't do anything. Just watch something and dissapear. And maybe play video games also because let's face it - video games take first place in the escapism route." My day of rest just happens. And I let it happen. Because self-care is more important than any goal I'll set up. Self care gives me the healthy mind, body and soul to reach my goals. A day of rest is essential to get any work done, ever. Try a little...
Tenderness (noun) A tender quality or condition, such as; *Gentleness and affection. *The quality of being succulent and easily chewed. *Sensitivity to touch or palpation. What would it be like to walk through the world feeling the quality of being 'easily chewed?' How would I move then? How will I talk? How will I touch others? How will I touch cold metals on the subway train? How will I drive a car with tenderness? How will I cook? How will I type on my keyboard? How will I sleep? How will I dream? How will I work out with tenderness? How will I breathe with tenderness? Only way I know how to answer those questions... is if I try a little tenderness. In a cold, sharp world... try a little tenderness. In tension, grip, or ego going overboard.... try a little tenderness. In a life so rushed to achieve and deliver... try a little tenderness. ***
Show me a road And I'll lend you my feet Open your heart And I'll play on its beat Lay your body next to me And I'll purr in its heat Sing me a serenade One that's long and sweet So I can forever hear it And at last we'll be complete. *** I once thought of myself as a seeker.
Like many other young idealists, I was seeking spiritual path, answers, guidance from the mystery of the world. Then, I became a treasure hunter. I now look for treasures -- and to me, a treasure is something that I feel at the core of my being. That can be a moment, and interaction, a story, a feeling, an encounter. In the future I hope to not seek, or hunt. Because you only need to seek or hunt something - when you don't already have it. Because through my seeking or hunting, one thing I find over and over again: Behind every corner - There is just.... another corner. As a millennial - I am not supposed to be into labels. It's the generation's trend, so I hear.
But there is one label I learned a lot about over the last few years that I find super important to know and use, when applicable: NARCISISST. Narcisissm, as most of us know, stems from the Greek mythology story of Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. He stared at himself until the day he died. In the modern world, and in particular in the western society - narcissism runs rampant among the rich and powerful. Industries that are 'cut throat' will often find narcissists pining for their spot in the spotlight in leading positions. The most obvious example of a narcissist we all know (and I hope - dislike) is the former President (I'm still shocked at writing that) Donald J. Trump. Trump is in many ways the cliche of the label: A rich entitled man who likes to talk about himself as the best at any opportunity, shows complete disregard to others (no empathy), will show no loyalty if it doesn't suit his goal (Machiavelli much?) and of course - he likes to do his number 2 in a GOLD toilet. Hm. I am not a psychologist, so I am in no position of diagnosing anyone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder - even a seemingly obvious one like Trump - but getting familiar with the term and what it entails helped me identify two people in my life as narcissists. (There are probably others I know - I am in the cut throat entertainment industry after all... - but the spectrum of narcissism is wide. And there are specifics to the actual 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder.') So, what are some red flags I learned about from the narcissists I interacted with? Well, we all know that if someone talks about them endlessly - that can be a clue - but there are other red flags to be aware of: *LOVE BOMBING - When we first meet people that have the disorder, it can be an incredible experience; We may be completely swept off our feet. They SEEM to be the full package: The 'one', or the charismatic mentor, or the new bestie. They are caring, attentive, and shower us with love of whatever language WE tend to speak. Often narcissists will also find ways to tell us how 'similar we are' - they try to mirror us so we feel closer to them. In truth - this is a form of studying. A narcissist will study you. Why? because they have to survive in a world of 'ME' (Sad world - if you ask me...) so they need know how best to USE you in the future. People are pawns for narcissists, so they have to love-bomb you in order to know how best to play with you, down the line. If it sounds cruel, it's because... it is. A lack of empathy will make it easy for a person to operate in such a manner. Even completely unconsciously. *LYING - this one is easy to miss at first, because liars usually do it often enough to be fairly good at it. And most us want to trust others and give people the benefit of the doubt, but pay attention if you are catching someone in a lie. If you catch one lie - even a small one - it MAY mean there are other lies that are better hidden. Don't be suspicious of everyone you meet though - we ALL lie sometimes. Find the balance... *TALK BADLY OF OTHERS - Obviously, that's a lame thing to do. And very 'high-school'. Gossip of any kid is pretty lame. With a capital L. But... it's also human. And we are all humans and can do lame things... sigh... But some people - narcissists - do this excessively. Maybe in order to win your trust, or maybe they do that in order to separate you from others. But whatever the reason - if it's excessive - it's a red flag for some unhealthy behaviors. And of course - you know if they are talking s**t about other people in front of you - they are probably talking s**t about you behind your back. *WON'T TAKE 'NO' FOR AN ANSWER' - we often praise persistence in go-getters in the western society we live in - BUT - sometimes that persistence can stem from an unhealthy inability to take 'no' for an answer. If someone doesn't respect your 'NO' - that's a very red... FIRE red flag, if you ask me! *ABANDONMENT ISSUES - Okay, listen... many people have abandonment issues. It's human. It's very human. But interpreting every unanswered tex message as 'something is wrong' and 'you are going to leave me' is a bit... excessive. At the very least it points out to a lack of emotional intelligence, and a trauma that hasn't healed, BUT it can also be an indicative of the Narcissistic Personal Disorder. These are just some of the red flags I've learned after my less-than-pleasant encounters with narcissists. If you want to know more about this much talked about subject - read some books, or go down the rabbit hole on YouTube. Narcissistic abuse is a painful thing to go through, and can be absolutely devastating to everyone affected. If that happened or is happening to you - seek professional help to get through it. <3 I am a puzzle.
A three dimensional puzzle. A kind one puts together just so they can take it apart. Not the kind one frames and places on the wall for everyone to see. NO - I am a puzzle that is always broken, And gets built again, And again, And again. What good is a puzzle - if it's in pieces? What good is a puzzle - if it is whole? I am a puzzle. I live in between my two ends - The broken, and the complete. The empty, and the whole The Vague, and the clear. I am a puzzle. A three dimensional puzzle. A kind of puzzle with pieces like lonely, joy, anger. A puzzle of the human kind. The human tower of feelings, Of sorrow, of rage, Of laughter, of desire. Wanna know what I look like? When you build me - you undress me, Piece by piece. And when I am whole - you can see me, Whole in my nakedness. Until you take me apart And begin anew. I am a puzzle. I get built up - just so I can be taken apart. *** BELLY: OUUUUU!
HEART: Help! My belly hurts! Is it because of you, Gut? GUT: Not me. You must have eaten something bad. HEART: Yeah? What... what can it be... I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary. I don't think I did.... Are you sure about that, Gut? SOUL: Girl, if your gut is telling you you ate something bad - LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. After all -- it's always right. BRAIN: Well, technically speaking, a smaller version of me is in the gut, so that makes US always right. EGO: Woah, Brain are you stealing my thunder!? Sit your butt down. If anyone is right about anything - that shall be me. (beat) What's going on here, earthlings? BELLY: OUUU! OUUUUU! HEART: She's really hurting, I can feel her. SOUL: Yes, but 'what IS pain, anyway?' Is it a feeling, or is it a label... what is pain prior to the word 'pain'..? HEART: I appreciate the poetic take, Soul. Bur her pain is REAL. BELLY: OUUU OUUU OUUUUUUUU! BRAIN: In its literal form, PAIN is a physical discomfort caused by an injury or illness. EGO: I've had injuries, here and there. I bruise pretty easily. I'm very good at bruising. The best, actually. HEART: Is bruising a good thing? If I bruise too much I can BREAK! EGO: It's good to me. Everything is good to me. SOUL: 'Everything is nothing', my friend. Everything is no-- EGO: Look at you, Soul, thinking you know EVERYTHING! SOUL: Ah-ha! But if I know everything, then I know NOTHING! HEART: I am CONFUSED! BRAIN: And I have a HEADACHE! BELLY: And OUUUUUUU OUUUUU OUUUUU!!! NERVOUS SYSTEM: Um, excuse me? Can you keep your voices down? It's making me so anxious... and when I am anxious, Belly - you will hurt even more, Heart - you will beat extra fast, Brain - will go down the negative thinking route, Soul - you will try to be heard so much, but none of us will hear you because we'll be anxious, and Ego - you will try to compensate for your anxiety by being overly ego-maniacal. So, take a chill pill, and zip it, please. Pretty please. And just like that, at last: Silence. A monster lives in my head.
No joke: there's a full blown, up-to-no-good trickster-on-steroids MONSTER sitting somewhere in my brain. Let's call him... hm... Jake. A generic name is quite fitting for a monster, actually. So, JAKE occupies my brain and shoots at me like a firing squad whenever he feels like it. Sometimes he throws RAGE my way. I happily accept the offer and BEWARE anyone who is near me when that's the case. Sometimes it fires SELF DOUBT my way. Oooohh that's a bad one. Possibly because the energy of self doubt has nowhere to be expressed other than being unkind to myself. And sometimes it throws ANXIETY over to me. And when I am an anxious mess - I become pretty useless to myself OR anyone else. Other than that, Jake, my monster, is pretty harmless. He's pretty.... pretty. Sitting on his high horse, thinking he's 'all that', not realizing that a trickster that shows the tricks is NOT really a trickster, and a monster who is PREDICTABLE - kind of wipes away the notion of DANGER. And what is a monster without danger? An annoying pest. So to my monster-pest who thinks he's all that but is sadly WRONG: Find another brain to occupy. Find another butterfly to threaten. Find another rage-full, anxious self-doubting air sign to wreak havoc on. Because this air sign right here, Jake? This one is done with you. Consider this my break-up serenade to my inner monster. So long, Jake. Off you go and take Rage, Self Doubt and Anxiety with you. They too, have over-welcomed their stay. In a world so... bombastic, I'd like to bring SUBTLE back:
SUBTLE (adjective) *So delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe. *Delicately complex and understated. *Making use of clever and indirect methods to achieve something. There is something beautiful and mature in a subtle expression, and there is also something dangerous and un-trustworthy in it. Complexity tends to bring about more than one end of a spectrum, so it seems. Be subtle, now and then. Or as a mentor of mine says: be 'subtle yet total'. |
AuthorIn April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling. Categories
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Header Art: Daniel Landerman |